Sample Novel Critique
Note: This is an actual critique prepared for a client.
Click here to download the full critique (Word document, 34 pages).
Excerpt . . .
I’ll start with the major elements of novel writing, which I’ll present in the form of questions as I determine how well those elements relate to your manuscript. I’ll also include specific scenes and passages to demonstrate the application of those elements. At the end, I’ll summarize the most important points.
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BACKGROUND
1. “Background events” are those events leading up to the story – events that set the stage but are not part of the story itself. Are the background events in your story well developed and relevant?
- Yes. No problem here. I like the way you bring in the altered-time elements through little things like government control over the Internet, having to apply for travel permits and child-bearing permits, the contraband of video tapes, books, and jazz music, the ban on “frivolous entertainment,” and the attitudes and power of the Morality Police. The worship of Joseph Kennedy and Hitler make their marks, too. On top of this, you bring in historical people such as Fred Astaire, Victor Hugo, Charles Lindbergh, Andy Rooney, Babe Ruth, and Cole Porter, along with popular tunes that did not make it big in the altered world. You have a great knack for bringing the old history and new history together. All this background comes across in a fascinating tale of intrigue, danger, and power over the common individual.
2. Details of physical setting help to build a sense of location, as well as ambiance, around the characters and the events. In your story, are settings colorful and authentic? Do they come to life for the reader?
- You do a great job with details. They are colorful and realistic, like the Pact of Peace Monument with the giant statues of Joseph Kennedy and Adolf Hitler clasping in a handshake on Governors Island and seagulls landing on their heads.
You create rich images through Max’s camera, through Tom’s observations of his new and surprising underground discoveries, as well as through little details such as a flag cracking like distant cannon fire. The descriptions of the 1933 streets, buildings, and rooms perfectly reflect the tone and flavor of the times. You smoothly weave in the weather conditions with the merciless sun in Miami and the freezing ice and snow in the 1933 northeastern states. Great job on using all five senses to make the settings come to life. The reader has a solid grasp of the surroundings and how they influence the characters.
3. Are background events and setting details worked into the story in a way that does not interfere with forward movement of the plot?
- The backgrounds and settings are worked smoothly and skillfully into the unfolding events of the story.
CHARACTERS
1. Are there enough characters? Too many?
- The number of characters seems just right.
2. Are main characters fleshed out with physical appearance? Background information? Believable character traits?
- Characterization is handled very well. You do a great job with physical appearances and backgrounds on your characters. Each character is unique with authentic, realistic traits. Each character remains true to his/her personality and attitude throughout the story.
One particularly interesting element of characterization comes from Woody’s inability to speak, so he and Tom can exchange sign language to keep their conversations private. When Woody first appears in the story, you might give a little more of his physical appearance. Although there are common traits that can be imagined about Woody, being a grandfather, and being confined to a wheelchair, the reader should be able to see him more specifically than this because he is important to the story. Does he have thinning white hair? Or wavy, bushy gray hair? Does he wear spectacles? Are his hands gnarled with arthritis? Is he wiry, or slightly overweight? You might weave a few little details of his looks into his introduction on pages 8-9, or when Max notices him at the top of the stairs on page 20.
A few of the other characters who are important to the story might also have slightly fuller descriptions when they are first introduced. Peterman, for example. He is described as black, big, and with a grin. I wanted to see him a little more clearly. You might add something to this by giving him black, piercing eyes, or dark, friendly eyes. Just some added little hint about his attitude through his looks. I’m not saying that you need to add a lot in these instances. Just a few words.
Traits and attitudes should come to the reader’s attention at the time a character is introduced, or shortly afterward, and then be brought out again in different ways in later chapters to build on the character. Just as you get an immediate impression from someone you run into on the street, the reader needs to get an immediate impression of the looks and attitudes of the important characters shortly after they are introduced. With most of the characters, you do this very well B as with Max and Stefano. The reader gets a clear picture of them, as well as a feeling about what kind of person they are by how they walk, talk, and look when they first arrive on-stage. A few more details woven into the conversation and action can help the reader see the characters more easily.
3. Does the reader have a specific protagonist on which to focus? An antagonist?
- Tom is definitely the protagonist here. This is his story, and he plays it out well.
Max is the main antagonist and offers a great conflict for Tom. Max’s goals work counter to Tom’s efforts, and Max is always right behind Tom to keep problems stirred up all the way through to the end. Great job on this.
You had asked earlier about Max’s character and background drawing too much sympathy from the reader, so I’ll address that here.
In Chapter 2, when Max is first introduced, Peterman warns Tom that Max is a ruthless son of a bitch. However, I don’t feel this portrayal really comes across strongly enough through Tom’s perceptions. This characterization only begins to show up at the point where Tom is given an overdose of truth serum. This is where Max shows signs of ruthlessness, and possibly insanity. You can help the reader get an earlier indication of this trait by letting the reader know that Tom senses something very strange about this little guy, suggesting that Max is not quite balanced. Maybe it could be a glassiness in Max’s eyes, or a meanness in his eyes. It is usually the eyes that tell a person a lot about the soul of another individual.
In the second last paragraph on page 12, Tom notices that Max’s narrow, gray eyes never stop moving, but this doesn’t mean that Max is crazy or mean. It could mean that Max is intelligent and observant, and this movement is his way of summing up things quickly. If Tom interprets this movement for the reader as being shifty, or unbalanced, or something to be wary of, you will help the reader get an indication that everything is not right with Max and he could be dangerous. Although you do a great job with the rest of his description on this page and the next, the danger is missing, and this is what should be stressed so that there is a clear impression that this is a man to be watched carefully and possibly feared.
If you can bring out a few little hints about Max’s cruelty as Tom is observing Max in this first confrontation, if Tom can sense a reason to fear Max (even if Tom chooses not to be intimidated by the agent), then the reader will see reason to fear Max, too. Tom might pause briefly and study Max from the idea that Peterman said Max is ruthless, then come to his own conclusion that Peterman could be right if Max is pushed too far. A few simple additions is all this chapter needs to set up Max’s character with the potential of being extremely dangerous.
When you go into Max’s viewpoint on page 17, the reader begins to get indications that Max is not balanced. Through Peterman’s questions and comments, it becomes apparent that Max is not acting properly in how he is dealing with Tom. If Tom brings out Max’s strangeness earlier, before Tom loses consciousness, the reader will be set up to accept Max’s peculiarities and sense more of the danger around Tom through Max’s actions as he now plays them out in the story. First impressions make a lot of difference in setting up the characters, so it is up to Tom to get Max’s character clearly across to the reader as someone who cannot be trusted to be morally or ethically motivated.
In Chapter 5, there is a flashback on Max’s torture by the Okinawans. There is some sense here, too, that Max may be able to win sympathy from the reader because Max is being mistreated and has to survive this horrendous ordeal. Although the ordeal explains why Max’s fingers are black, it isn’t fully clear if this scene is meant to show how and why Max became ruthless. From my own interpretation, I think Max was probably always a little crazy, but the torture imposed on him at this time, and the aftermath of his reactions when he went crazy and tortured the enemy back, highlights his personality. The event made him worse, and was possibly a turning point in his treatment of others. Is this what you intend? Or is the intention of this scene to show that Max learns how to use fear of torture to get what he wants? This last idea is what comes across, but I think a lot more is going on here that could solidify Max’s character as an unbalanced person.
I suggest that you give a little more indication that Max uses this tragic event to stir up his demented and/or demonic nature, and it pushes him over the edge. Rather than just suffering from the pain, and using thoughts of his daughter to survive, you might also let the reader know that there is a sense of anger and revenge that rises in him at times, and he takes these opportunities to consider how he might escape and get back. By giving him the motivation to repay his enemies in kind, you show the reader that Max isn’t going to give up easily, and you set the motivation that will lead him to overdo the torture he imposes.
Rather than simply have him rejoice that he isn’t blind when the enemy rips the tape from his eyes to make him look at his mutilated foot, Max could also visualize himself doing worse to them. This might bring a smirk to his face. Things like this will keep the reader aware that Max can really get into torture himself and turn it around on others. This is not something an ordinary person would think to do. Max’s craziness should be part of his survival. When he finally gets free and lets loose with his own torture techniques, the reader will accept the fact that Max was not balanced in the first place and now he is acting out his latent insanity.
Other than these two places, I don’t see that you will have to make any other changes in Max’s actions or attitudes in the story. Once the groundwork is laid for his imbalance, everything else he does will be judged in that light. So although I originally thought that you might have to cut back on his background and/or bring it out more sporadically through the story, after reading the novel carefully, I don’t think you have to change anything other than what I’ve mentioned.
As far as his family goes, with his wife divorcing him and taking his dear daughter away, this gives Max some motivation for taking pictures and adds a little dark humor to the story. If the reader gets a clear picture that Max is a little crazy, there will be no question that his wife and daughter should have left him. Max can feel regrets about losing his daughter, but the reader will put his personality in context of the situation and sympathize more with his wife and daughter than with him. The reader will understand that Max is dangerous, and his wife and daughter left him to protect themselves.
In general, Max is a great character and a great antagonist. You clearly bring out his racism through his thoughts and feelings about blacks and Jews. His nostalgia for the Pact for Peace Monument, especially Hitler’s statue, shows his leanings toward Fascism and his desire to be powerful within the structure of this government. His penchant for “civil order” and the swift, harsh punishment of traffic offenders properly classifies him as an extremely intolerant man. His use of his camera is a great token of his personality as he captures important moments in history for his daughter, and as he captures gruesome scenes of torture and fear for his private collection. He is strange and unpredictable, as when he shoots Peterman’s ancient fish with his laser gun, and snaps an overseer beating a slave. He has both strong and weak qualities, as well as a definite motivation (becoming as powerful and famous as the director of the FBI) to keep him fighting for his goal to the end of the story. You’ve really done a great job on his character.
4. Do supporting characters add interest and complications?
- Yes. There are a lot of strong supporting characters, such as Juliet, Woody, Peterman, the individuals in the FDR Brigade, Stefano and Andrea Valenti, J. Edgar Hoover, Franklin D. Roosevelt, Margaret, and Zangara. These individuals, as well as many others, offer a lot of interest and complications for Tom as he sets out to achieve his goals.
5. Are characters properly motivated to act as they do?
- Yes. Motivations are strong and clearly identified for all the major characters.
6. Is the dialogue natural and consistent to the characters?
- Yes, the dialogue is excellent and smoothly moves the story forward with some good tension and suspense. You bring out a touch of the Southern dialect, Italian, and other unique expressions for many of the characters. There are a lot of good confrontational scenes, such as when Tom is arrested by the Morality Police and when he is confronted by Max on several occasions. Great job on your use of vital and authentic dialogue throughout the whole story as the history of America unfolds in the past and the future and changes through the process of Tom’s efforts. Through the dialogue, you also capture much of the emotional nature of the events.
